dating a married cougar

  • Dating a Married Cougar


    Hey Lucia,

    Your outlook and "tell like it is" responses are always so insightful, thank you.  I am a young 29 year old "cub."  I have always been attracted to women older than myself.  They provide an abundance of knowledge, sophistication and assertiveness; all qualities that I find make a woman sexy.

    I recently met a woman who is 39, all of the above and then some.  We work out together, have a lot in common, laugh and never get tired of each other.  We are not intimate and do not go on dates due to her current situation.  Problem is she is separated from her husband, not divorced and has a child.  I respect their family, situation/relationship and that's why I'm just going with the flow.  I'm enjoying the company for what it is and not pressing any sort of progress at all.

    She enjoys my company as much as I do hers; it's a really easy flowing relationship.  We do not call each other, but do exchange emails on a regular basis and see each other a few times a week.  We are personal with each other in the sense that we are very open and share pretty much everything about ourselves.  I left the ball in her court as far as setting the pace goes.

    I guess what I'm getting at is I think she is the most wonderful women I have met in a long time.  While the timing is off, deep down inside of me there is hope for something a bit more than a friendship, somewhere down the line.  I've learned from past situations to not set myself up for failure and that's why I'm trying to be casual about it.   What do you think?  Any advice for this young cub?

    Hopeful in Houston


    Hi Hopeful,

    You’re on the right track, but instead of tryingto be casual, becasual.  There is nothing wrong with developing a friendship first and seeing if that leads to more once she is divorced.

    Of course, there is always a chance she may get back together with her husband, so you have to be prepared for that possibility.

    I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but I also suggest that you date other women, if you’re not already doing it.  This will help with not getting too focused on this woman who is currently not totally available.

    Other than that, continue to go with the flow and see where it goes.  Good luck!

    Cougar Club:  What's your advice for "Hopeful"?

  • My Cougar is Verbally Abusive

    Hi Lucia,
    I've been dating a 44 year old married woman for 3 years. I'm 33 and also married. The problem we are having is that she does not put too much effort into our relationship. The sex is great and we get along, but when we get into arguments, she is verbally abusive. She tries to shut me down, doesn't listen or look for solutions. It seems she's trying to gain the control and power she doesn't have at home because her husband calls all the shots and treat her badly.
    I've tried my best to give this woman the emotional support and affection she has missed in the past but it has gotten to the point where she is just using me for sex when it's convenient for her.
    She recently sent me an email that ended with, "I'm sorry for everything that I've done in the past that wasn't up to your expectations...and for ruining your life. That was never my intention - I guess I should have just left you alone. You know how to reach me should you ever want to talk or need someone to vent to. You will be my sunshine always and forever. I love you."
    Do you think she wants a break or to end it? Should let her go? Bunny
    Hi Bunny,
    Wow, talk about mixed messages in her email. Nothing like stabbing someone in the heart while you're kissing them.
    Should you let her go? Hell, yeah! You never should have let her come in the first place, literally and figuratively. You fear that she's just using you, but I have a newsflash for you: when one or both of the parties in a relationship are married, they are using each other, since it has no future until they are both single.
    I do not condone affairs, but if you're going to have one, why pick someone who's going to be verbally abusive? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of wanting to be with someone who makes you feel good, since you're already dissatisfied in your marriage?
    Anytime someone says something along the lines of, "Sorry for ruining your life" or "Have a nice life", they are being manipulative and trying to get a reaction. She's not going anywhere, however I suggest you go back to your marriage and give your wife emotional support and affection, instead of someone else's.